First blog, kind of lit. Here is how this is going to work for the real sickos reading this. I am going to be putting myself (5'11, not actually I'm 5'10, 175lbs.) in a hypothetical bar fight, and I have my choice of a Premier League manager to help me win/survive/beat some ass. Instead of just naming the one I would choose, I am instead ranking the managers from 20 to 1 because that is way more fun. And instead of doing them all in one blog post, we are going to stretch this out in to multiple parts to add some suspense. Today, 20 through 15. Now that we all understand the parameters of this ranking, let us begin:
20. David Moyes, West Ham
This was a toss up for me between Moyes and Roy Hodgson. At 6’1 he could add some height to whatever calamitous situation I had gotten myself into, but he’s also 60 years old. Mobility would be a NECESSITY in this fight and Moyes does not have that. The running he is doing in the above picture was not as gracious as it looks in a still frame, trust me. Now if our end goal here is to escape the bar? We are probably looking at about a 25% chance with Mosey; however, I do think we get a few good licks in. Also with dance moves like this who would want to stop us?
Result: We dance our way halfway to the exit before both getting hit unconscious with respective fists, bottles, weapons, etc. FAIL
19. Roy Hodgson, Crystal Palace
Roy would’ve been an easy last pick if I had decided to do this literally 5 days ago, but this last weekend we saw the beast of this once calm 76 year old man. I once described him as a person I would want to adopt my children if anything happened to me. He had to be held back by his assistant coaches against a guy 50 plus years younger than him this past weekend, and for that alone he deserves to move up this list. Now he is still 76, previously retired, and for the most part seems like he doesn’t have a mean bone in his body. The only reason I give us a higher chance of making it out of said bar fight is the fact that I would want to defend this poor man to the death.
Result: I get knocked out immediately; nobody wants to hit a 76 year old man, and Roy makes it out unscathed. FAIL.
18. Thomas Frank, Brentford
This may come as a surprise to some to see Frank so low on this list since he’s used to fighting financial restraints and the battles that come with being a small market team, but I am talking fists here. He is 5’8 150lbs max. Good for him for staying lean and in good shape, but I need more than what Harry Styles is going to look like when he's 65. This is no dig at short kings at all (I stand with you), but I need height and reach.
Result: Again I get knocked unconscious immediately. Thomas Frank tries to start educating the people on Brentford’s system and its beautiful pressing and counter attacking; he also gets knocked unconscious immediately. FAIL
17. Paul Heckinbottom, Sheffield United
This is about to be mean. I am not even putting a picture up on this one. There is just no way in hell I am making it anywhere near the door with a guy named PAUL HECKINBOTTOM on my side. We are getting ROCKED. Zero question, no doubt in my mind, ROCKED. I am talking Ed Reed jumping a receiver catching a slant. Lebron seeing Jason Terry trying to take a charge. Ja Morant seeing a strip club after a close loss to the Denver Nuggets. Paul seems like a nice guy, actually has the build to get me out of this bar, but nah. He would’ve introduced himself and said his name to one person in that bar and he would be the number one target automatically, pity.
Result: Yeah, we don’t make it out I feel like I made that clear. FAIL
16. Unai Emery, Aston Villa
Listen, I love Unai Emery, but let’s be honest with ourselves here. He is not a fighting man. In the words of Michael Jackson, he’s a lover not a fighter. I am not sure Unai has that dog in him. I would however (like Roy) defend this man with everything I got (it wouldn’t make a difference). Also if I have any excuse to post this video, I will.
Result: Good ebening to some fists. I end up unconscious. Unai would be so liked by everyone in the bar that they would let him leave. FAIL
15. Pep Guardiola, Manchester City
Yeah this might be biased but similar to Emery before, does Pep have that dog in him? I think he can yell at people who are under him in the ladder, but DOG? I am not sure. He is a thinker not a fighter. But he is also a genius tactician, could he find a way to that illustrious door? Potentially. We are not at the point to even think about winning this bar fight with our current managers; this is all about escape. I believe in Pep; he’s ranked low because I hate him and City, but he would have us making runs that would easily get us to the door.
Result: Pep gives me great tactics while berating me; I am so terrified that the only thing I am capable of thinking is escaping that bald freak, not this fight. SUCCESS
Alright that is it. First blog done. These should become pretty daily so keep checking the website for all new stuff Double J. Good ebening.
コメント